The Conspiracy of the Note
by California Gruesome
Summary: Have you ever had the feeling, you know in the beginning of a relationship, that this is crazy, it doesn’t make any sense, how’d I fall in love with you in the first place?
1. And the conspiracy begins

A/N: So, here I am reading some FF when I think….No my god, I want some ONE/TWO SHOTS! So I decided to dedicate this one to my bestest FF friend, miss xEmerald Isle. Don't take this the wrong way, you pervs…I lovies you Emerald!…….What? WIPE THAT SMIRK OFF YOUR FACE! I MEAN SISTERLY LOVE DAMNIT!….Some smexicalls, enjoy it dear readers!

* * *

Have you ever had the feeling, you know in the beginning of a relationship, that this is crazy, it doesn't make any sense, how'd I fall in love with you in the first place?

This is exactly how I felt. I'm Kyle Broflovski, I'm 16 years old and I live in the crazy town of South Park, Colorado. I have the best beyond best of friends a guy could ask for. There was Stan, he's been my Super Best Friend forever. And Kenny, who's a bit of a pervert but who isn't now-adays? And then there was Cartman.

I hated Cartman……..

At first, at least.

….Why? What the hell do you mean WHY? He's a Nazi, bent on destroying Jews like myself, he insults everyone, and thinks it's fucking FUNNY, and did I mention how much of a dick he is?

…..No?

Well he's a dick. There, I said it.

But get this! I figured out lately that my hate for him was just something I thought I NEEDED to feel, you know? But I soon found out the little phrase that my little brother told me a long time ago was true,

_Can't help who you love_

_I know, it sounds really gay, but it's true! Just look at me!_

_I'm in love with Eric Cartman! Yea I said it! So there! Judge me!_

_You think I'm crazy, don't you? Well I don't blame you, Stan thought I was drunk when I first told him…Maybe it will help if I told you HOW I came to love him, Yeah I thought so. So this all started about a year or so ago, when I got this weird anonymous note…_

_The note had said something really corny, I was baffled at how weird the person had put it together. Something about how they understand me, but I will never understand them. The feelings they had for me were to never be explained for it would cause a time of great confusion._

_Naturally I thought Bebe had slipped the note into my locker, rumor did have it that she liked me.._

_But their was something different about this note…I could relate to it, but also I couldn't. It was so deep and truthful, certainly Bebe couldn't have written something like that, unless she was confessing to Wendy that she was really a team Edward, not a team Jacob._

"_Hey Kyle!" Stan greeted me from behind, rushing up to me like a puppy chasing a red ball. He looked down at my hands….Crap! I had forgotten to put the note away! Quickly it took it, scanned the paper down then looked at me, with a puzzled expression_

"_What's with the note?" He asked, clearly amused by how melodramatic it was._

"_Don't ask me, I just found it" I replied honestly._

_He smirked. Damn it, Stan, I swear to god that smirk of yours always means trouble…_

"_Any idea who it's from?" He questioned, quirking his eyebrow in suspicion._

_I turned around thinking, then I replied with "I have no idea…I thought it was Bebe, but then I thought-"_

"_Bebe doesn't have the brains to write something like this, Kyle, she's BLONDE remember?" I whirled around to see Kenny grinning at me, leaning on his locker with his orange parka down. He'd obviously snuck up here, grabbed the note from Stan and read it. But how'd he do it so damn fast…?_

"_So what if she's blonde? You're blonde too Kenny!" Stan remarked, half laughing half serious._

"_So you've just proven my point even more, Marsh!" Kenny responded, shifting his weight and crossing his arms over his skinny chest._

"_He has a point, you fucking hippie" Ah great, Cartman showed up. "What are you gay fags babbling about?" He asked, as if he really gave a rats ass_

"_Some whore is in love with Kyle, we're trying to figure out who she is, and if she'll give him a lap dance" Kenny answered. "Or, it could be a guy.."_

"_SICK DUDE!" I exclaimed. A guy interested in me? That's just disgusting!_

"_What makes you think he or she loves the Jew?" Cartman inquired, eyeing me._

"_This retarded note" Kenny handed it to him, Cartman read it and…._

_His face burned a deep red? Say whaaa-?_

"_Cartman?" I stared at the obese 'big boned' brunette, gawking at the paper. What the hell was his problem?_

"_Hey fat-ass, wake up!" Stan slugged him on the arm, bringing him back to the reality we know as this hallway._

"_What?" He looked dumbfounded. Now I'm really freaked out._

"_Oh my god is that the bell? I better get to math class early…" With that he dashed off, somewhat panic stricken._

_I looked at Stan, Stan looked at Kenny, Kenny looked at me. Our expressions read._

"_What the flying fuck?"_

_And thus started the conspiracy of the note, and the questioning of Eric Cartman.._

_Like what I did just there? Going all overly dramatic and stuff? Did ya? No? ah whatever._


	2. And here's MY side

A/N: Oh my god, I had the fucking most awesome day. I totally told this bitch off, Did a cool test that I only got ONE MOTHER FUCKING ANSWER WRONG….and I talked to mah long lost super bestest friend! I'm like, so what do I need to complete this day? Update mah fuckin' stories! So anyway, I'm babbling. Fuck babbling! On with the what the flying fuck note conspiracy! This is Cartman's P.O.V, R&R!

* * *

Oh my god, fuck!

Who the hell are you hippies? Coming to steal Clyde Frog? I WON'T HAVE IT!

….What? Your just a bunch of spectators? Fuck it….this is South Park. I'm pretty pissed off right now, My Jew received this damn note I wrote…Huh? Did I address him as my Jew? Well yes! I'm the only one who calls him Jew ANYWAY. So he must belong to me damnit!

…..It's all Kenny's fault anyway….

What do you mean what do I mean? I mean it all started out as some sort of joke….Kenny had said something about how he 'knew' so I'm thinking…wha? I thought it was just one of his gay sex things but for Jesus' sake I was freaking wrong. You want me to explain it? Fine, if you do will you leave me alone? God…So I'll bring you back to the gayest time of my life…

-----------Magical time skip of doooooom! 2 days ago----------------

-------BRIIINGGGG-----

-THWACK!---

Damn bell. Someone needed to teach it a lesson, disturbing me when I'm doing mah damn dirty work. So hell yeah I did just throw a book at it. You never saw me do it. All you can say was I READ he did. After that annoyance had been dealt with, I walked over to English B. How ironic that I was gonna write something terrible in a poetry class….

Naturally I sat at the back with Kenny, the faggot liked being around me lately. And that's when my life changed forever…

-WAIT WAIT -record scratches- I'm sorry I tried that line but it's just to retarded, can I try again?

We start again…..Naturally I sat at the back with Kenny, the faggot liked being around me lately. And that's when all fucking hell broke loose.

I didn't realize it at first, but Kenny was paying close attention to me…and…Kyle had some beautiful green eyes….

I almost did a double take at that despicable thought. The JEW being cute? Their was nothing cute about him!….Besides the way he blushes anytime he gets a compliment…or the way he crosses his eyes when confused…and his fucking red hair…GAY THOUGHTS! GAY THOUGHTS! MAKE IT STOP!

"Dude…why the fuck are you staring at Kyle like that?" I turned around wide-eyed. Kenny was smirking in my direction, his chin propped on his hand.

"I was imagining ways I could torture him, Hitler style. What do you think you poor piece of crap?" I spat, blushing at how moronic the answer was.

"No no, that wasn't the 'I'm gonna destroy you, Jew!' look. No sir, there was something sexual in that stare. If I didn't know you better, I'd say you were undressing him with your eyes…"

"Kenny, have you been hanging out with the stoners again?"

"You didn't deny it, you gay little dick!" Kenny exclaimed, grinning from ear to ear.

"Oh shut UP Kenny" I groaned. I'm not gay, I will never be gay, and I certainly never was gay. No matter how incredibly sexy the jew is, or deliciously cute.

Did I just THINK that? Nu uh! This writer is screwing with me!

"Cartman, don't you know that you can trust me? I'm your best friend!" Kenny said, pouting.

Then we both burst into laughter. The crap this blonde says, it kills me.

"Damn it Kenny, I am not gay" I said, fuming. He grinned, enjoying my mental anguish.

"Prove it then. Write down all your feelings for Kyle on this note, I know you like him, so there's no freaking use in lying to me, or it." He handed me this piece of paper and a pen. I sneered, thinking he was just messing around. But he looked at me with his serious blue eyes and I realized he was serious. Damn it. I frowned, quirked my eyebrow, frowned, then took the damn pen. I scribbled onto it, in shock, my real feelings toward this jew. I tried to erase it from my mind as Kenny read it, his eyebrows rising up.

"My god, fatass" He looked at me with a puzzled expression

"I really was fuckign around, but I guess it's true! You DO realize what we have to do now right?" He looked at me.

"We don't have to do anything, but forget this ever happened. Alright?" I glared at him. He nodded.

I was stupid not to take the god-forsaking note from him. So then the bell rang, he rushed off somewhere and I slipped off in the corner, thinking about what I had written. Had I really ment it? Did I just write it so that Kenny could shut the fuck up and leave me alone? Something tells me that I really DO love Kyle, and my pride is just a bitch.

Do I really?….

NO. I hate him. And I always will.

But…wouldn't this explain why I hung out with him all these years when I had a blood oath against Jews?

Gah. This stuff was to complicated for my brain. And I can't think without cheesy poofs.

----Magical time skip of dooooom. Present day, 2 days after------------

So It's a few days after I've considered this weird love the jew business. And I got a reading from my friend Cleo. She says I knew damn well I loved him, I just won't admit it. So I guess it is true. I DO love the Jew.

I love Kyle…I am IN love with Kyle…

Hmm, not so bad. I kinda like it actually.

I love him…I approve! I smiled as I walked towards Stan, Kenny and Kyle. When suddenly…

"So what if she's blonde? Your blonde to Kenny!" Stan said Laughing

"You jut proved my point even more Marsh!"

"He has a point, you fucking hippie" I retorted. "What are you fags babbling about now?"

"Some whore is in love with Kyle we're trying to figure out who she is" Kenny said. "Or if it's a guy-"

"SICK DUDE!" Kyle exclaimed, looking somewhat horrified. Ouch, well that doesn't make me the least bit afraid to tell him anything.

"What makes you think he or she loves the Jew?" I asked

"This retarded note"

Note? Wait a minute here! I grabbed the note and scanned it down. Oh my fucking god. It's MY NOTE! I blushed a crimson red, not knowing exactly if Kyle knew it was me, but judging by the look on his face he had NO clue. But for Kenny, this will be the damn END of him!

"Cartman?" Kyle looked at me somewhat puzzled.

…..Damn….I can't BREATHE with him looking at me like that!

I suddenly felt this punch on my arm, as the hippie said "Hey fat-ass, wake up!"

"What?" Kyle looked freaked out.

I knew I had to make some sort of excuse to get out of there. Or else all the questions in the world would start flying out of no where like a Jeopardy marathon on ABC. So I decided to lie about math class…

-----BRINGGGG---

Didn't I demolish that bell half an hour ago? Oh well, the bell ghost must be on the move. But no time to worry about that now!

"Oh my god is that the bell? I better get to math class early" I dashed off without hearing anything from the three. But I got a good look at their faces. They were all wondering the same thing

Only difference was that Kenny knew damn well what was going on.

* * *

A/N: Yeah, Emerald my dear. I mention Cleo again. Ain't I a bitch? XD

This chappy was suppose to be longer. But it's bed time, and I have a test to study for! ..o.o…

And I don't need any barking from my grandmother, thank you!

Expect an update either tomorrow or Friday, okay? Okay. Peace out my darlings! But oh! Question! Who says my writing improved? Oh oh and who says I kept them in character? Show of hands anyone? And if you haven't yet, I would LURVE it if you joined my little contest, pweases? -puppy face-

Anyway, my Grammy's barking… - -'' so buh bye!


	3. So, the K in AWKWARD is for Kyle

A/N: Sorry, I've been having some block lately. UGH. I'm happy to see that so many people LURVES MAH STOREH! But….y'all ain't reviewing! Damn it people!…….Anyway, Emerald be mah bestest FF friend in the history of FF friends. I like had to make sure this chapter was ella perfecto. Anyway enough with my yammering.I need to finish up this here fic so I can start on my Style one. And I gotta finish my battle of the bands…..-yammers- This is in Kyle's P.O.V. I might be swapping P.O.V's every now and then though

* * *

Mmmm? Oh hi there people staring at me wide-eyed. I'm a little tired. I've been trying to figure out what this note's about lately. I'm just a bit lost as to who sent it. The why was obvious. They liked me and didn't want to say it to my face. The question was who, and how come they didn't want to say it to me? I'm not that cold hearted as to reject them right on point! Ah well, I had Stan to do some snooping with, and I had asked Butters to help us out with it. Around last summer, Butters became all serious as to wanting to become a detective. He was good ish…

"N-now fellas, you need something d-detective like to d-do this stuff." Butters said fidgeting with his hands like he did when he was 8.

"Butters, just read the note" Stan groaned, giving the note t Butters.

He traced it over with a weird light, rubbed it and read it. He looked puzzled at first, kinda like how I did and then said.

"Uh…k-Kyle?"

"Yeah Butters?"

"Cartman wrote this n-note" He told me.

"Cartman. Really? Butters come on now. Cartman hates me. Why would he write something so ridiculously gay?" I buried my face in my hands. This was going to take longer than I thought.

"No, no. Look at the way he shapes his O's and K's and V's. Remember how Mr. Garisson would always complain to him about h-how bad those letters w-were?" Stan said

He was right…ish. Cartman writing me the note? NO WAY! This stuff was real! I felt it! It either wasn't Cartman, or it was him and he was just trying to make a fool out of me.

But….wouldn't this explain how he'd run off like that when I discovered it? Could this possible mean that…

Eric Theodore Cartman LOVES me?

No, absolutely not. NO NO NO. He isn't a fag, nor was he gay or had he any emotions like that! And I am not being irrational! It's just moronic! No one can believe something like CARTMAN LOVING Me! And I'm perfectly straight! I can't TOUCH a guy like that! It's just to strange for me! It can NOT work! NO NO NO NO NO!

"Stan?" I asked, looking up to him as he held his chin in thought

"I really wouldn't put it past him, Kyle. This makes so much sense, that it doesn't make any. It is weird though, so I recommend finding out if he really DID write the note because he likes you, or just for laughs." He answered, rocking on his heels.

"UGGGGHHHH. Fine…I'll talk to him at lunch. Damnit…." I grumbled as the bell rang for us to leave art class., I grabbed my books and ran outside.

This is probably the only time in the history of times that I dreaded lunch.

-SMACK-

OW! WHAT THE FU-

"You think I'm STUPID? What the HELL is your problem?" this shrill, obviously pissed voice said.

I rubbed my head and looked to see Bebe's piercing eyes staring into mine.

"What are you TALKING about?" I exclaimed

"That note! Kenny said I was to dumb to write it! AND YOU AGREED!" She fumed, crossing her hands in front of her chest.

I don't know how to deal with this..If there was anytime I needed Stan…Well, I can try. She is my friend, kind of. Huh? Why are YOU looking at me like that? Because I said she was my friend? She is! See when we were around 13-14 we used to stand and watch Stan and Wendy fight time after time after time again. We kinda grew a friendship.

"Look…Bebe I'm sorry, okay?" I shoved my hands in my pockets.

"You are?" She turned around and smirked at me.

"Sure…" I was cut off by her hugging me. Uh, awkward, but okay.

I looked at her kinda awkwardly and ran into the lunch room.

There he was. I could feel the rage bubbling inside of my stomach. But then it dissolved and turned into butterflies. What the hell?

I saw Cartman sitting over with Stan and Kenny, I felt my face flush, as I marched over there.

"Okay Fat-ass, are you going to tell me or not?"

* * *

Cartman's P.O.V

I looked at Kyle horrified. What the hell did he mean if I were going to tell him? I glared at Kenny, and he just shrugged and watched Kyle.

"Tell you what Jew?" I studdered I bit turning back to Stan and Kenny, avoiding eye contact

"You know DAMN WELL!" He shouted, causing people to shift and stare. He whipped out that god-forsaking note and, to my horror, read it outloud

_Dearest Kyle,_

_If there was anyway to tell you it would be through pen and paper. Because words are just to hard to be formed from my mouth. I can't take it any longer, because everything you do makes me smile. I can't tell you who I am, just yet. It would be to confusing, causing a world of disruption in this school. I'm trying to mush this up a bit before I get to the bottom line._

_I believe, truly truly believe that I love you. Not the brother-sister love, the real thing. It's scary because I'm actually entitled to dispise you…and I don't. I hope you can understand how strange and nerve-wracking it is for me. Thanks_

"_Shall I go on?" He asked. Now almost the whole room was starring at us gob-smacked. Ugh…_

"_Um…I DON'T HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOUR TALKIN' ABOUT! KAHL! YOU STUPID JEW!" I yelled. What else was I suppose to do? Poor my heart out to him in front of these faggots?_

"_Oh PLEASE FAT-ASS! DON'T PRETEND THIS ISN'T YOUR HAND WRITING!" He shoved the note in my face_

"_I DON'T HAVE TO PRETEND KAHL!"_

"_WHY DO YOU MAKE THINGS SO DIFFICULT?"_

"_ME? DIFFICULT? ARE YOU INSANE?"_

"_THE HELL I AM YOU GOD DAMN JEW GOLD HIDIN-"_

"_YOU FUCKING NAZI ASS HILTER WANNA-BE"_

"_OKAY! That's enough!" I felt my collar being pulled as Stan dragged Kyle and I outside the cafeteria, with Kenny right behind us._

"_Okay you guys are seriously acting crazy" Stan said once we were outside._

"_Just figure out your gay little mess, and get this shit over with! For the love of god guys!" He turned around and went back inside._

"_Fucking hippie…" I muttered._

_Kenny looked between the two of us, then ran inside. Wuss…_

_Kyle pinched the bridge of his nose. Cute red-haired fag…_

"_So I guess we have to talk about this…" He groaned._

"_I guess we do Kahl." I shifted uncomfortabley_

_Damn, I wasn't sure if I was ready to tell him yet….GAH!_

* * *

_A/N: CLIFFHANGER!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 XDDDDD! In the next one I'll finish it okay? Okai. Read and REVIEW!_


	4. My status brings all da boys to da yard

Authors Note: I'm SO SO SO SORRY. SO SORRY. I took like, 15 million years Dx 3 months is like. Wow. What the hell. So you know.. yeah, I'm sorry . But uh, be expecting updates every Friday D Now, onto the very long wait of wait.( Kyle's P.O.V)

* * *

I kicked a stone angrily as I walked down the frozen path to my house. This day had not gone the way I had planned. At all. Well what did I expect? The fat ass to double over like a mad dog and proclaim his hidden love for me? Bull shit. I should've known. I stopped in front of my house and glared at it. Those walls held nothing to protect me from anything or anyone. No place like home, my ass. Walking up the steps, I glanced back at the snow behind me. It sent some sort of longing stare into my soul. Fuck it, I turned around and decided to lye in it.

Gaaahhh. Why is life so hard? I'm freezing my ass off, and for what?

"You know, dumb ass, you can get hypothermia from sitting there." A voice from the left of me spoke up.

"I know" I retorted, sitting up to stare at the figure who had given me the common-sense advice I didn't need, but accepted anyway.

"What's eating you, Jew-Frodo?" The girl, who I couldn't quite figure out who she was yet in this slight storm, said.

"Nothing…Riles?" I questioned.

"Sup Kyle?" She grinned and stepped out of the snowy fog, revealing those piercing hazel eyes of hers. Her black scarf whipped and whirled in the wind, but she didn't mind. Miss Rylee here is one of my best friends, the beautiful Italian. She sat down next to me.

"I heard what happened at school today…may I ask, what he said?" Her concerned eyes scanned my face, as if searching for some sign of emotion that I wouldn't give.

"It's what he didn't say was what pissed me off." I grimaced, thinking about what had happened no less than 3 hours ago.

Rylee was deep in thought, staring off into the distance in front of her, while mindlessly playing with the strap on her red and black plaid hoodie-jacket.

"The note. He wrote it?" She asked particularly no one, although I knew she was speaking to me.

"He did. And that's another element of what pissed me off"

"Aww, he's gay for you!"

"No, he isn't"

"Jew-Frodo-In-Denial-Say what?"

"I said he isn't. The note was all a trick" I shrugged nonchalantly, or at least that's how I wish I felt.

I'll be honest, some part of me was disappointed. I mean crap, to know that Eric Theodore Cartman had a massive gay crush on the Jew he had hated for years? That's pure gold. A bomb placed right in my hand.

If that bomb was ever real, of course.

But it wasn't. So fuck.

Rylee looked over at me and sighed. Those eyes of hers were staring into my soul. She kissed me on my cheek, making it warm and red. Now mind you, I don't like her like that, nor does she like me like that. We've been friends for a while, she's like the sister I never had or wanted. But I love Rylee, because she's just.. Well, Rylee.

"Kyle… why don't you just admit you like him?" I almost did a double take. Admit lies? What the hell was she talking about?

"Because I DON'T" I said a little more harshly than I had wanted it to. She smiled.

"Then why are you so frus-"

"KYLE ABRAHAM BROFLOVSKI JUST WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR DOING OUTSIDE IN THE STORMMMM?" I winced as Rylee and I turned around to witness my mother, in all her barbaric glory, with her hands on her hips and a flushed frown on her face. Lord, she was pissed.

"GGEETCCHHOOOO SELF INSIDE!.. Oh, Meredith, how are you love? Would you like to come inside with Bubblah and have some hot chocolate?" She yelled at me, than sweet toothed her.

Ever wondered why moms were so mean to you, but kiss asses when it came to your friends?

Perhaps it was just Rylee, since she did want me and her together.

Unfortunately that wouldn't happen. Gross.

I have to hand it to her, she WAS trying hard.

So we got our lazy asses up and walked over to the inside of my living room.

I flopped on the couch and grabbed the remote from the sleeping Ike's hand and flipped it over to the Terrance and Phillip show. Yes, I'm sixteen years old and still watch this. Rylee sat between my legs on the floor and sighed.

"Riles?" I asked.

"Kyle, why don't you just admit it?" she kicked at the cherry wood coffee table in the center of the room.

"Because then I'd be admitting to lies. You don't want that, do you?" I looked down at her. Green and hazel met. She pouted with her eyes and I couldn't help but smile. She's trying to use her pretty girl spell on me. Well hell, it won't work. Her jet black hair tickled my knees.

"You need to free your brain, my dearest Frodo. Or I'll do it for you" We stayed in this spider-man ish position, her looking upside down to me and me looking upside down to her. It was cute, but dorkishly gay.

We didn't notice my mom walk in with the chocolate. In fact, we were so engrossed in our game of 'read my mind' that we didn't notice her whip out a camera and snap a picture.

Bitch

"And you said there was nothing between you two, aye?" I jerked my head up in her direction. Gah!

"Mom! God damnit!" I stood up and grabbed the trey, embarrassed as fuck that she had seen me in one of the gayest positions of my life.

"Don't be ashamed Kyle dear. It had to happen sooner or later" My mother grinned and evil grin at me. Psshaww fuck.

Out of the corner of my eye I saw Rylee slowly get up. Sending her a questioning glance, she started speaking

"Thank you for allowing me in your home, Mrs. Broflovski, but I best be on my way now" She shoved her hands in her pockets as she stared me down. "My buddy over here has some thinking to do. Do me a favor, Frodo, and sort it out."

"Nonsense, child! You must stay for dinner!" My mother insisted, but Rylee turned her down

"I mustn't, my parents would be worried sick." She kissed me on the nose and waved goodbye as she left.

My mom smiled.

Thank you Rylee, for kissing me IN FRONT of my mom

Blah.

And what is she talking about? I have nothing to think over.

At all.

And why are YOU looking at me like that? What?

I grabbed the hot chocolate. "I uh..think I'll go upstairs. Real quick" I dashed up the stairs before my mom could call me back, and flopped on my bed.

My room is gay.

This house is gay.

My life is gay

.Life.

These blue comforters shed no comfort for me. Badly named mother fuckers.

I buried my face in this pillow of mine, trying to think.

Thinking is useless.

"You stupid, stupid brother" I heard Ike groan from behind me

"Go away, Ike" I stated. I wasn't in the mood for his genius solutions.

"I refuse. You have shit to talk about, tada, I'm right here, dufus." I watched him from the corner of my eyes as he leaned on my door, flipping his black hair out of his face.

Pimp.

"You know nothing about what's going on, go back to your 7th grader hell."

"Cartman wrote you a ridiculous note about how he likes you and you feel screwed over because of it. Yeah dude, for some reason you and your little gang of friends are huge at my school."

Fuck. Does everyone in the world know about this?

WHY GOD WHY?

"Okay so, you know what's going on. Happy now?" I sat up and glared at him

"Nope. I still have to listen to you whine like some bitch on Oprah. Now lay it on me" He sat in my directors chair and stared at me. Although annoying, Ike knew me like he knew every word in that stupid book of his. That's disturbing, but comforting.

"Alright so, I went to school on Monday and found this gay note in my locker. It's really crap, but it still was weird. I gathered you read it?" I asked Ike.

"Yup. He failed miserably at quoting Demarcio" He said.

"Well yeah. Anyways, so Stan says that's weird, and then I say I think it's Bebe. But then Kenny says Bebe's to fucking stupid to have written it, blah blah blah. Then Butters says Cartman wrote it, which I thought was bull but then I confronted him and he said we should talk and.."

"Slow down, partner. He said you two should talk?" Ike questioned me while quirking his eyebrow. I nodded.

"Yup. And god you won't believe what he said.."

* * *

Time Skip: 3 hours ago

Eric Cartman's P.O.V

"Alright fat ass, you tell me what the hell is going on. NOW." Kyle shouted angrily in my direction. I knew Kenny couldn't be trusted. Poor people are NEVER to be trusted

I had to think. Sure, I loved Kyle. But did he need to know that? Pfft of course not! Not yet, at least.

I needed a better approach. Who ever admitted to loving someone under the pressure of a note? No..I needed more time. I needed.. a distraction. I could wait for the bell to ring…No, I can't stall for 10 minutes. I could pretend to faint? Pfft, hell no. I may be gay but I'm not a girl. Damn. I could punch Kyle in the gut and knock him out…No, I loved the little sucker. Seeing him wince in pain will not help my situation at all.

So I was stuck

Well fuck.

Then I had an idea.

It was a gay idea, but an idea nonetheless

"Alright, jew. So you caught me" I brushed him off nonchalantly, turning on my heels towards the other direction. Before I had turned, I caught a glimpse of disbelief and shock in those green eyes of his. Heh, hook, line and sinker.

"W-what? Your admitting it so easily?" He followed me down the hall like a sick puppy. I thought he was smarter than this, but, heh, it happens.

"Admitting that my scheme of that gay little note drove you mad like I intended? Why yes. Yes I am" I smirked at my lie, because it was obvious as shit that it was working. I turned.

Oh god, his expression was both satisfying and heartbreaking. I didn't want to lie to him, but aye, I have to protect my reputation as a non-feeling asshole.

"What? …. You mean..This was all a trick?" He stuttered angrily. I nodded in a crude, "You dumb ass bitch" way.

His fist tightened as well as his body. It sickened me to see him like this.. but. I had to.

At the same time, I smirked. He looked up at me with those green eyes of his, his body still shaking. I swear if he didn't stop he'd shake the orange jacket right off his scrawny body. I could see his gray shirt with his name on it in red. I liked that shirt

I had stolen it from him the other day

And boy did it smell good.

What? I used it AGAINST him

Oh shut up, and stop looking at me like that

Suddenly, the Jew tore me from my thoughts with a swift punch in the gut.

"OW! AYE!" I yelled, falling on the floor. Shit! I never knew he could punch that hard with those dainty little hands of his! He lowered himself to me, and looked into my eyes sternly

If I dared say, it almost scared me.

"Cartman… You really, REALLY screwed up" He said, pain and disappointment dripping from his voice. He got up slowly and walked the other direction. His words chilled my very soul. If I had one, at least. What had he meant by me screwing up? I did this all the time, what difference would it have been now? It's not as if

Not as if he had the same feelings for me.. Right?

Look what he did, he got me thinking

I don't FUCKING think!

* * *

-Kyle's P.O.V-

"So, yeah, that's what happened" I finished the flashback to Ike, and he shook his head.

"Wow, when I'm sixteen, I hope I don't have any of your bromances" He chuckled, still leaning on my wall

"I DON'T LIKE HIM! DAMNIT!" I shouted, louder than I had intended. Why is it, that I'm the only one who sees that even if I DID like him, that it would never work? I've never heard of a Nazi and a Jew being in a relationship. And other than that, Cartman DISGUSTS me! The ONLY thing I could mention him being good for.. Was those beautiful brown eyes of his!

-WHAT?

"Whatever, dude. If you like him, you like him" I raised an eyebrow at Ike as he rocked on his heels. He stopped and then walked towards me, getting closer and closer to my face. What was he doing? Our noses were touching, up to a point where… it got uncomfortable. Suddenly he doubled over and kissed me on the cheek.

I felt my face flush from embarrassment. Why is my brother kissing me? He has done it before, I mean, he IS my brother. But we were.. YOUNGER. This was just.. Weird. I mean, I'm not ENJOYING it. Like, not at all.

He pulled away from me and smirked at my expression. When did he turn into such an asshole? Do yourself a favor, and don't ask me.

"If you tell me you didn't enjoy that, I'll make Moses smack you with his dick for lying" He straightened up and looked at me.

I couldn't have wanted to smack the Canadian right off his face anytime more than I had wanted to right now.

" I DID NOT!"

"Sure you didn't, faggot"

"Shut up"

"Never"

"I love you, dude"

"Whatever, dumb ass"

I gave him a noogie then kicked him out of my room. I needed to talk to my wife for a bit, and he didn't need to hear our conversati-

What? Why are you looking at me like that?

Is it because I said wife? I have one!

You already met her, dude. Rylee?

No dude, I don't like her like that. Best friends can be wives and husbands too.

Oh shut up, and stop laughing.

I picked up the phone and started dialing. I hoped to god her father doesn't answer. Cause well, he doesn't like me much. I'll explain later, if he answers. Please God, don't make him answer

"Hello?" I heard someone, meanly, answer the phone.

"Hi, can I speak to Meredith please?" I asked the voice. Shhhittttt. It was Mr. Acqua.

Now see, he doesn't like me because I fake proposed to Rylee the other day. We were practicing for the school play and, well, I decided to play a little joke on her. The "ring'' I gave her had whipped cream in it, so the minute she touched it, BOOM! All over her face. It was funny, I stood up as she fell to the ground and well, that's when her dad decided to walk it. It looked like I had.. you know… released myself on her face. Which I would never do, because she's my best friend, but eh yeah.

"Is this Kyle?" He asked me roughly, I could feel the anger flowing in his brain

" Yes sir" I replied

"She isn't here" He answered, in the background I could hear someone protesting

"Papa! Vorrei parlare con lui!" A girl, I believe Rylee demanded.

"Ma, zucca, e il ragazzo Kyle! Lo sai che non gli piace!" He answered softly back to her. Obviously, whatever he had said, didn't stop her from grabbing the phone from his hands.

" Papa, lui e il mio migliore amico. Vorrei parlare con lui, per favore?" I sensed that she had asked him something. He sighed

"Certo. Ma solo dieci minuti." He walked off, obviously defeated. It was then I remembered

"Oh, I forgot, your Italian, right?" I laughed into the phone, and I could just taste her grin

"Why yes, Frodo, I most certainly am. Wassup?" She replied

"Nothing much, I still have that fat tub of lard swimming in my mind" I leaned on my directors chair and fiddled with a pencil, nesting the phone between my shoulder and ear.

"What is it with you and pride? You like him, just admit it!" I heard her say. And I decided to try something.

"But.. Riles… It's not him I love. It's.. somebody else" I trailed off.

"Oh god, who is he or she? I must know if I'm gonna be your best..eh.. Woman!" She pried.

"It's… it's you. I love you Riles" I held my breath.

I heard nothing over the phone. Had she put it down? I didn't hear a dial tone…

Suddenly I heard her burst into a fit of giggles. I joined in.

No, You guys, I wasn't serious.

Ha to you.

"Dude, you almost made me spit out my cranapple juice. What the fuck was that?" She asked between laughs.

"Dunno, see what happens when you drive me mad?" I grinned over the receiver. She continued laughing her Italian ass off.

"Ahhh. You made my day, congratulations." She sighed over the phone.

"Sure. Making your day makes me happy." I smiled. Tsk, Rylee. I love her so much. I mean, Her being my best friend along with Stan.. I just don't know where I would be without them.

"So, ehhh, What do you plan on doi-" She stated, but was interrupted by a sudden command blaring in the background

"Meredith! Scendere il telefono e aiutare Nicholas preparare la cena!" Her mother, Airiana, shouted. I loved that woman, although it's strange at how she would clearly hint that she wanted me and Rylee to be together, which I don't understand.

"Oh, mamma! Sto arrivando!" Riles answered her mother, then told me "Alright, Frodo, I best be on my way. May-ma wants me to make dinner with Nickers before he bombs the kitchen AGAIN" she grimaced as an "I HEARD that!" was thrown at her.

"Mmmkay. Bye wifu" I sighed into the phone.

"Bye habu" she replied following with a dial tone.

I sighed.

What a life for me, right?

Now, one last thing I need to do. I mean, facebook so totally needs to know everything that's going on in my life, so why keep it waiting? I signed on, clicked on my status and wrote:

"Just got off the phone with my wifu Meredith Acqua after debating my freaking dumb ass situation. My life fails so badly. And apparently, I heard Kenny got killed by flying panties. Since I wasn't there to hear the story, not that I want to, I'll give my tribute. OHMYGOD, THEYKILLEDKENNY! YOU BASTARDS!"

I clicked "share'' and watched as it became my status. I swear to god I'll get a fuck load of notifications tomorrow about how I had called Riles my wifu. Surprisingly enough, people thought Her and I were madly in love. Ha, I know right? Anyways, I'm tired, and I have shit dreams to dream. So I'll flop on my bed and sleep.

Sleep of shit I don't want to think about

Like those big brown eyes of that fat tub of lard's.

And his floppy brunette hair that always falls on his right eye, then somehow saunters over to his lef-

WHAT THE FUCK?

* * *

A/N: Yessss, I had promised to have it on Monday, but my dad totaly stole my computer from me! Dx. I'm on here on Wednesday morning at about 1: 30 am. Like shit dude. I'm sorry i took this long. Bomb me bomb me =w= I promise to update every Friday, if i fail to it's cause of school, my parents taking my computer away, i died or i'm sick. Okai? Anyways, this is my longest chapter in the history of all my chapters. LIKE WOAH SO HAPPEH D So uh.. yeah.. review, my babies!


	5. Cleo, baby, i need your help

A/N: GUESS WHO'S THIRTEEN, MOTHER FUCKERS? Yeah. Me. Well I've been thirteen since like June, but I just wanted to let you know. Yeah, I said I would update every Friday. My lazy ass didn't wanna type Dx. I really might just quit this story. Seriously. But I'm determined to get at least three or four more chapters in before I quit. Maybe even five. I'M FREAKING SORRY OKAY? I FORGOT. This chapter is a special treat for xEmerald Isle. I know this whole STORY is for her, but this chapter will just RUIN her xD. Not ruin bad, but I might disable her mind.

* * *

- FaceBook Chat-

-List of People Online-

-Kyle Broflovski-

-Stan Marsh-

-Kenny McCormick-

-Cleo Matthews-

-Meredith Acqua-

-Bebe Stevens-

-Wendy Imnotabitch Testaburger-

So apparently only a bunch of assholes were online. Screw it, I'll talk to… uh… Cleo. I'll talk to that god forsaking blonde. I wouldn't go as far as to call her my best friend, because she wasn't. But, Cleo and I had this weird bond since the 3rd grade, And, she could always tell when I'm fucked up. I clicked on her name…

Eric Cartman: Sup, bitch?

Cleo Matthews: Hi, fat ass! Wassup? X3

Eric Cartman: AYE! Just for that, I won't tell you what I wanted to tell you, ho.

Cleo Matthews: Sureeeee. What did you want to tell me?

Eric Cartman: I don't know if I should tell you over pixel lingo, Cleo.

Cleo Matthews: Is it that important? Really?

Eric Cartman: Mhm. Now getchoo ass over n'aw and make meh a sammich

Cleo Matthews: … Fine. Mustard?

Eric Cartman: You know it, bitch! And wear your mini black skirt my mom gave you for your birthday. And the matching top. And heels.

Cleo Matthews: Wtf? Why?

Eric Cartman: Because I told you to, god damn!

Cleo Matthews: Oh whatever =w=

Cleo Matthews is Offline

* * *

_Cleo's P.O.V_

Hmm. I switched off my computer in a matter of seconds. What is it that he has to tell me so much a simple facebook chat wouldn't do it? I mean, honestly. I've known the boy for more than I want to admit right now, but.. my hopes.. They shouldn't be this high. Yes, I have heard of the Kyle note business. I am still unsure as of if it was a joke, or if he was serious. FINE! YES! I DO have a crush on Cartman, alright? Now wipe that grin off your face! I went upstairs, and, for one reason or another, decided to wear the outfit he had requested. Heh, my mother would be furious. Perhaps even more furious than she was the day I had received it. She had said to me, "Burn it!'' but I refused. Eric's mother, probably the most important woman to him in his life, had given it to me. I would never burn it. Not ever. I slipped it on, grabbed the black and white horizontally stripped t-shirt, purple sleeve-less open-jacket, and my awesome purple heels and threw those on too. Eric's mom knows I like purple, Now, as to how to avoid my mother seeing me..

I know. I'll sneak out the back door. I dashed downstairs and into the kitchen. Mama wasn't there, ah, she was in the lounge, watching All My children. Good. I escaped outside and over the fence, and ran down the street.

* * *

"So what do you have to tell me, Cartman?" I asked him. We were sitting on his couch, was rubbing himself on my leg. Cartman, of course, eating cheesy poofs and me an apple. Honestly, Cartman had lost weight ever since last year when I urged him to loose at least 60 lbs or the world would explode. He, at first, thought that the explosion of the world would have been funny. But then I said it would kill him too. He stopped laughing. Sure, he isn't as tiny as Kyle, but he's about 6 inches bigger than they are.

He crunched his cheesy poofs

He glanced at me.

He sighed.

This is a pattern he's been doing lately.

And I'm starting to dislike it.

"Cartman..?"

"The sandwitch you made me tasted good, Cleo. Thank you"

D..did he just THANK me?

"And when I said you should wear the black skirt outfit, I wasn't serious. But.. You look pretty in it."

At that I blushed. I knew Cartman liked the skirt because it showed a great deal of my legs, but the compliment of me looking pretty? No. No I had not known that was coming. Whatever it was he had to tell me, it took a great toll on his behavior.

I , Cleo Matthews, am officially worried.

"Look, you know the note thing? Between Kyle and me?" He asked me. I nodded.

"Well…here's the thing..I need someone to talk to. And I was hoping I could talk to you. But you HAVE to promise me not to say ANYTHING to ANYONE. And if you do, I'll deny it it, kill your parents, make you eat them and never talk to you again"

"Oh..well, okay." I murmured. I do wish he would cut the crap, but I'll be patience.

"Look, okay, I…I like Kyle, alright? I'm actually in love with the faggot, but I'm scarred to tell him. And cause you're a girl and all, I was wondering if you could help me with that?" He said.

….How exactly should I take this? I liked Cartman a lot, but I wanted him to be happy. Apparently, this is not my story.

It's his and Kyle's.

There is no room for me or my selfishness, so I WILL do everything I need to do to help him out.

He is my friend, and all.

"First of all; I'm happy you realize you like him. Everyone else does" I smiled.

He frowned

"What do you mean EVERYONE?"

"Everyone as in everyone who knows you wrote the note. 'Tis not many." I stated. He moaned

"Fuck my life"

"Fuck mine first"

"Is that a sex joke?"

"NO!"

"I've never been so frustrated in my life. I feel like a woman" he grimaced and flopped on the couch. I glared at him. Really, comparing his male pms to one of a girls feelings is just retarded. Really.

"Well, you know what you have to do now, right?" I asked him. He opened one eye.

"The hell? What do I have to do?"

"You have to tell Kyle. Duh." I face palmed.

"WHAT? WHY?" Cartman bellowed.

"Well, it's like the middle of the story and this is the fifth chapter. These things are usually ten chapters and then there are crap dances or some shit and then someone gets hurt and then someone has to comfort some kid and they fall in love or something" I shrugged, He;s been in several of these before, he should know the routine.

Oh, wait, fuck. He;s not supposed to.

"What the hell kinda dope you've been smoking, ho?"

This is going to be complicated.

* * *

A/N: Crap ass chapter. I know, sue me. I really just might quit this story =w= I wanna start something new; something fresh. With OCs popping outta no where :D But i'll try to finish this crap first :DDDD. Anyways, i'm awesome. Or i feel that way ^^ But you know, peace people. Review!


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